Deep thoughts

July 18, 2009

Maybe it’s the (one glass of) wine talking, or maybe it’s just me being nostalgic, but I have had several moments tonight where I have just sat or stood in awe of what my life is like now.  Both boys have been successfully sleeping through the night for several weeks now, but tonight I’ve had to go down and rock Wes back to (almost) sleep twice.  Staring into his sleepy little eyes as he drifts into dreamland is just the most surreal thing…still.  Waking the boys up for their morning feeding (my absolute favorite time of day, hands down) is still the most surreal thing, and even changing a poopy diaper and/or getting peed on by one of the boys is still just so…damn…surreal.  What did we do to deserve this insane amount of gratitude and joy and pride and LOVE I feel every single minute of every single day???

A year ago tonight, Jeff and I were sitting in the parking lot of Mt. Fuji, laughing at how shady we probably looked all slouched over in the front seats of our car.  Our eyes were shifting back and forth, back and forth, waiting for just the right time to “shoot up” before we needed to run into the restaurant to meet up with our friends for Peyton’s birthday dinner.  I had just started my Lupron injections (a medication to suppress the ovaries from releasing eggs so they can get tons of eggs during the egg retrieval) two nights before, so it was all still so new for us.  I remember when we started the IVF process, we went to Babies R Us (NOT a fun place for infertiles to go) to buy a cooler bag to carry our IVF drugs around in.  We now use this same bag to tote around Max and Wes’s bottles.

If I’m tooting my own horn, I would say Jeff and I have handled the events leading up to this day very well.  It wasn’t easy going through in-vitro, especially since it was our “last hurrah” before giving up on having a child (after three years and thousands of dollars spent on trying, we were done).  It wasn’t easy being sick the entire first trimester.  It wasn’t easy going in for emergency surgery at 24 weeks and signing a sheet of paper with Jeff stating that we understood that one of both of our babies could die as a result of the cerclage.  It wasn’t easy having my long-awaited baby shower in the hospital, in a drug-induced stupor, still so worried at the thought of something happening to one of our boys.  It wasn’t easy being on bed rest for 6 weeks.  It wasn’t easy signing more liability paperwork when my water broke at 30 weeks and I delivered our sweet, little miracles.  It certainly wasn’t easy standing by as other people took care of our children while they were in the NICU for the first 43 and 51 days of their lives.  It wasn’t easy going back to work two weeks after both boys were finally home because my maternity leave was over.  And overall, this whole journey has been about as opposite of easy as there is.

Would I give any of it up for anything?  Not a chance. 

You can keep your $40,000 – spending all of that money was worth every single Ben Franklin because it means that we got the two children we were truly meant to have – our sweet little Max and our precious little Wes.  The morning (or all-day) sickness is long forgotten, as we now have all-day exhaustion to try to work around at work (for me) and while caring for our little guys (for Jeff).  I still think about the surgery, having my baby shower in the hospital, and the boys’ birth from time to time – but – I try to focus on the fact that everything turned out sooooo much better than it could have, and for that we are so incredibly grateful.  And remembering how much I LOATHED bed rest makes me feel a little guilty that I would now KILL for just.one.day of “bed rest” just to catch up on some zzzz’s (and I know Jeff is with me on that one)!  Sometimes I feel cheated out of my maternity leave since the majority of it was spent in a small hospital room, watching machines help our boys breathe and listening to the monitor alarms going off every few  minutes.  Then I think about how lucky I am to still have my job in this economy, especially after being gone for almost four whole months.  Thinking of the boys’ NICU stay makes me so grateful to the wonderful nurses and staff of Swedish Hospital.  I think they all helped to mold Jeff and I into the confident, able parents we are to Max and Wes, and that’s something we won’t soon forget.     

And now, enough of the deep thoughts and onto PICTURES!

Max and one of his winning smiles

Max and one of his winning smiles

Our furry little guy

Our furry little guy

And one more Rex pic because...well...how can I not?

And one more Rex pic because...well...how can I not?

Wes doesn't know this, but he's about to be violated by Rex's tongue!

Wes doesn't know this, but he's about to be violated by Rex's tongue!

Doesn't Max look like he's driving a video game car?

Doesn't Max look like he's driving a video game car?

Our sweet (drooling) Wes, deep in thought

Our sweet (drooling) Wes, deep in thought

Kerry

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8 Responses to “Deep thoughts”

  1. ischwab said

    It’s amazing how all the crap can be forgotten with one little snuggle or smile. Big hugs to you, you deserve every ounce of the surreal 🙂

  2. Melissa and Ryan said

    I just logged on to see your little angels and now I am in TEARS! You have some lucky boys to have parents like you two! When are we going to get that playdate???

  3. Tara said

    *sniff* I love you guys. 🙂

  4. allysonwonderland said

    That was beautiful Kerry! It’s nice to reflect and you did a wonderful job putting it in words. Thanks for sharing! Give those cute boys a kiss from me!

  5. LeAnn said

    I’m really glad you went through all that c**p too!! Now I get to have two little cuddle bugs and Asher gets to have cousins his age to run around with! You are wonderful!!

  6. Cathy said

    I’m feeling pretty bitter and pissed about having to spend so much money to get what other people get on accident or for free, but your post is making me feel a little better about it 🙂

    (Oh, and Owen’s first sexual experience was being humped by a terrier, if it makes Wes feel any better.)

  7. Megan said

    I am so happy for you, Kerry, that things are going so well for you finally! I keep praying for your time as a family and their health as they grow older. May the blessings continue to pour in!
    ~M

  8. Marci said

    Yay for all of you! I am so happy for you and so glad to hear that all is well!

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