April 25, 2009

The boys were little pills last night – it was by far the worst night (and day) we’ve had since Max and Wes have been home.  It’s now 8:30 Saturday night, and I’m working on about 2 hours of sleep in the last 38 hours.  Bummer.

The weather sucked today.  All week it was in the high 70’s and sunny, and today – the day of the March for Babies – it was 46 degrees at 9 a.m. when the walk started.  Needless to say, we weren’t about to have the boys outside for that long, so we stayed home.  Bummer.

My breastmilk supply has completely tanked in the last 48 hours.  And by “tanked”, I mean cut at least by 50%.  I gave it my all – I tried EVERYTHING (including prescription drugs to help “boost” my supply, which didn’t work), and now I’m torn because I really wanted to pump/breastfeed until the boys were 3 months old, but is it really worth it for a few measly ounces a day?  I need to come to terms with the fact that I did the best I could for our boys, and just throw in the towel.  But it’s hard.  Bummer.

I’m 110% certain that I have post partum depression, and I was really hoping I could work through my “issues” on my own, but that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.  I’m seeing my OB this week, and discussing medications, because I need to be in a better place, especially since I’m going back to work next week.  Bummer.



19 Responses to “Bummer”

  1. Kate said

    Kerry & Jeff, I am a regular blog visitor – I went to high school with Jeff. I have a 15 mo old and an 8 yr old and just got pulled into your great blogs and had/have so much hope for your boys and family. I want to chime in now b/c I had one miscarriage 4 mos before I got pregnant with my youngest and another when he was 8 mos old. I have had so many hormone issues in the last 20 months and have had severe PPD (not to mention a 15 mo old who still doesn’t sleep through the night). You are so open and honest in these blogs and while our stories are not all that alike, I want you to know you can contact me as another PPD mom for any conversation you might want to have. I have struggled with finding anyone willing to be a sounding board for me who has been through a very rough patch – it seems to still be a bit taboo to admitting to have PPD. So, that said, I would be happy to be a non-partial sounding board for your issues. In the meantime, congrats on your beautiful boys and good luck on finding the right remedy/remedies for your happiness.

  2. militarywifealways said

    I was hoping for better weather today for the march today, and also praying you and the boys get some much needed rest tonight (Jeff too).

    Honey if you need anything and I mean anything I am not that far away I would be happy to help as much as I can. (((Hugs))

  3. Erica said

    I am so sorry, Kerry. I know you tried everything you could to avoid PPD and keep breast feeding. If there’s anything you need or want, don’t hesitate to ask. ((hugs))

  4. Amy said

    Sorry to hear about your last few days! We are all so proud of you – it must be an enormous amount of work caring for those two little boys. I hope you are feeling better soon and that this is a distant memory quickly.

  5. Jenny said

    I am sorry you have had some rough days. It is really hard when you don’t have alot of sleep. I guess Max and Wes were so excited about not wearing their stickers and tubes they just didn’t feel like sleeping. Hopefully tonight the whole family will get some good rest.
    I am also sending you a message via FB.

  6. Marcy said

    Sleep deprivation puts all of us in moods that we don’t like to be in. You have been on a roller coaster for a long time now………….It is time to “stop” telling yourself that you are a failure and “start” saying I was successful. We have two beautiful little boys to prove it.Breast fed or bottle fed, your little ones will be fine, because they are so loved and that is the most important thing in the world. You and your family are in our prayers. And I think Grandma is coming to help again, right? Get some much needed rest. Marcy

  7. Lanie & Shane said

    Oh, buddy, I’m so sorry that you are having such a tough time. I really hope those boys let you get some sleep – everything is better with sleep!!!

    So sorry about the BFing. You’ve done an awesome job and you tried SO hard. You have given them SO much by giving them breast milk for this long. And, if anybody gets how you’re feeling, its me. I’m on the verge of quitting myself (after my supply tanked again).

    I’m glad to hear that you are getting some meds for the PPD. I’ll bet it clears up right away after you correct the chem imbalance. And then you’ll be your wild and crazy self! 🙂

    Love ya buddy!

  8. jill said

    what a weekend! i hate that you guys are having such a rough time. hopefully those kinds of nights will be the exception and not the rule! post partum is nothing to play with – it hit me hard and fast, especially after i quit breastfeeding (because i felt like i had let sophie down somehow). NOT the case though! ANY nursing you give them is wonderful! once we finally went to formula full time, life was SO SO SO much easier!!! i ended up being on a medication that has helped me lots (and still does). hope you’re feeling better soon!!!!

  9. Steph said

    Sending lots of hugs! I know it’s hard when you are getting NO sleep, but I can’t imagine no sleep along with everything else you guys have gone through. Let me know if I can help out at all!

  10. shotzie said

    Hi Kerry,
    You don’t know me but I’ve been following your blog for a while now. I used to be “buttercup16” on the nest, now I’m “shotzie.” I don’t post on the CO boards anymore b/c my SIL is on there sometimes and I don’t want her knowing about our TTC journey…

    Anyway, I think you and Jeff have done an amazing job with this roller coaster you guys have been on. You both are so strong – even more than you realize. I think it’s really good that you recognize you have PPD and are seeking help for it. I just read “It Sucked and Then I Cried” by Heather B. Armstrong and I highly recommend that book. She’s very honest about her struggle with PPD. I don’t have kids yet, but I struggle w/anxiety and depression and I could relate to a lot of her book.

    I hope you start feeling better soon. *Hugs*

  11. Katey said

    Sending you huge huge {{HUGS}}

  12. Brenda and John said

    {{hugs}} Sleep deprivation is awful and always makes things so much worse. I’m sorry the b/f isn’t working out. You have definitely done all that you can. I hope your doctor has some good options for the PPD. You have to take care of yourself too!

  13. Noell said

    Oh Kerry I’m so sorry! Like you said, you gave it your all in terms of breastfeeding and that counts for a lot! You already have done so much to take care of your little guys…before and after they were born! You are no less of a mother, remember that!
    As far as the postpartum depression…I commend you for recognizing when it’s time to get help. I didn’t do that the first time around and I really regret it. Please know that you’re not alone in this…so many of us moms have gone through this or are still going through it. You can always call/e-mail/whatever if you need to talk!

  14. Sock said

    Kerry, good for you in taking care of yourself and seeing your doctor! Yes, it’s rough having children; there will be sleepless nights and days when they’re fussy, and that is just how it goes sometimes. And having twins instead of just one means you have a double dose of the ups and the downs. It’s a bummer that you can’t breastfeed as you’d like, but hey — along with the downer, remember an upper, which is how close you came to not having these boys at all. Now that they’ve been part of your life for several weeks, can you imagine not having them around? Things didn’t go as you planned, yet you are so truly blessed. And so things aren’t perfect. You are still the best mom — don’t ever think you aren’t!

    PP-depression can make even happy things seem sad, and can make sad things seem unbearable. Plain old depression does that, too. You are very smart and very wise to talk to your doctor and head it off at the pass. Getting help is not a sign of weakness — it is a sign of great strength! If you ever doubt that, check in with your friends and family, and we will remind you.

    You rock, Kerry! Everything will be okay. Take it a day at a time, a step at a time.


  15. Kristy said

    I’m SO proud of you sis and am so sorry you’ve had it so tough. You are an inspiration to so many people, including your two amazing baby boys (and your little sis, as usual!). As always I’m in awe of how incredible you are! Love you tons! XOXO sis

  16. Dayna Rae said

    Here’s a big hug (–), love you

  17. Stacy said

    It is so cliche but “Tis too Shall Pass” (easy for me to say). The peek you give into your life helps so many of us…I wish I could help you. ((HUGS))

  18. Dana said

    My friend, big hugs to you. The supply issue is such a bummer. If you want to talk let me know.

  19. krazykids said

    Big hugs Kerri. I have 0 advice but I am glad that you will be talking to your OB.

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