I’m being discharged today

February 20, 2009

And I’m so scared.

Scared to be away from the ENORMOUS help of the nurses and doctors. Scared to be more than a short walk away from my boys. Scared to overdo it because I’m excited to have my “freedom” back. Scared to feel like I’m not a good mom because I’m going home. Scared of pretty much everything.

Oh, and I’m a complete emotional basketcase – and if one more person tells me that it’s normal to feel this way, I’m going to lose it. I’m not supposed to be a mom for 5-6 more weeks, so this is NOT normal. Thank God for Percocet.

This is just so much harder than I ever thought it would be.


The boys had a minor setback yesterday…per the suggestion of their RT (respiratory therapist) they were reconnected to their CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) lines to help them breathe. These are little nostril tubes that connect to big, fat tubes that connect to a small fitted “hat”. I hate seeing them in the getup, it’s heartbreaking…they just look so helpless. They were breathing okay on their own before, but they were both having to work way too hard to do so. It was really hard watching their little chests pump up and down so sporadically and jumpy – now there is a steady flow of oxygen going into their lungs so that if they “forget” to take a breath, the machine will breathe for them.

Now for some positive news – both Max and Wes started on my breastmilk (via feeding tube in their mouths) yesterday. Max will be eating 2 cc’s every 3 hours, and Wes will be eating 2 cc’s every 6 hours. Wes doesn’t get as much as we are still waiting for the heart valve, that Jeff talked about the other day, to close. Hopefully that will be done by the weekend so that Wes gets just as much milk as his brother. They are both still hooked up to their bili lights (for jaundice), even though their bili levels are normal, just as a precaution. And both little ones had their first poopy yesterday (as did their mom – it totally wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be). =)

This morning at my 7:30 pump, I produced enough milk to fill up an entire syringe, so the nurse has suggested that I start using breastmilk storage bags – woo hoo! I am pretty proud of myself with that accomplishment, especially since they warned me that it may take a little longer for my milk to come in. So go me!

More later, I am on my way to change two little diapers right now.



12 Responses to “I’m being discharged today”

  1. Katey said

    Hugs, hugs, and more hugs Kerry! I so wish I could do something that would allow those adorable little boys to go home with you today.

    And YAY for being a rockstar pumper already! From a former exclusive pumper – that is great news!!!! 🙂

    {{HUGS}} and please please please let me know if I can do anything for you guys.

  2. Cathy said

    YAY for poop all around, and YAY for milk bags! So glad physically things are going well, even if it’s an emotional roller coaster. Gentle HUGS to all of you! I’m sorry you’re having to go home with out your babies. I hope they’re there with you ASAP.

  3. angelika said

    Frankly I think it is “normal” to want to punch people in the face when they try to validate your feelings. Um – do we know what you are feeling? Hell no. So everyone should just STFU!!!!!

    Let me know if you need me to smack anyone around. You know that’s my speciality.

  4. Lisa said

    I know you don’t feel it right now (with being scared and all) but as a woman who is starting down the family path and thinking about babies, you are truly an inspiration for me. I only hope I have half your courage! The boys are beautiful. You should be very proud!

  5. twodaisies said

    {Hugs} I’m continuing to send lots of good thoughts your way. Please let me know if you need anything at all.

  6. liz said

    hugs. and ditto angelika; i am proud to be a member of your brute squad. let me know if anyone needs a smackdown : )

  7. Auntie Barb said

    Like what do I know. I ditto liz and angelika also. Bullshit, if you want to feel those feelings you should. I’ll let the young girls do your smackdowns since I’m so old. Try to keept he faith and don’t do too much around the house. I just wished I was closer to you and Jeff so that I could hold your hands. Prayers are still going to God everyday and sometimes twice a day. You and Jeff are thought of all the time.

    Love and Kisses

  8. Sarah said

    Just keep on keeping on Kerry. You are doing the very best you can! I wish there was more I could do or say to make you feel better. 😦

  9. Kiane said

    ((Hugs)) I can’t begin to imagine what you are feeling, going through, etc. I wish more than anything those little guys were going home with you today. I pray that they will be there with you very soon. You will all continue to be in my thoughts & prayers.

  10. Kate said

    Let it all hang out sister. We love you and we’re here to keep passing the cocktails and picking up the pieces you drop. That’s what friends are for. You fight, we fight, you hurt, we hurt, you cry, we cry. Do whatever you need to do to make it to tomorrow, and then just keep doing that every day. One day before you realize it you’ll wake up and it’ll be time for the boys to come home and then you can start living your vision of what it’s “supposed” to be like. Until then, there’s no *right way* for you to handle this, so let it go. We’ll be here to catch you. Love you! MUAH!!

  11. Noell said

    Big, huge hugs to you Kerry! I so wish I could snap my fingers and both boys would be strong and healthy enough to go home with you today. 😦
    (Yay for being a breastmilk machine though!)

  12. militarywifealways said

    Yeah for the poop and the milk!!!! Sorry to hear the little men had to go on CPAP machines hope their little lungs grow nice and strong soon.

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