My sweet boys/emotional rollercoaster

February 19, 2009

Yesterday was a rough day, I won’t lie.  I was an emotional basketcase, and feel like reality just slapped me in the face the moment I woke up yesterday morning.  In fact, I’m still having a hard time processing all of the different emotions I felt throughout the day, so I’m going to write about it in hopes that it will make me feel better.

I woke up to the most ROCK HARD boobs I’ve ever had, and that really freaked me out.  Holy hell, this whole having boobs for an entirely different purpose is so weird.  I hadn’t set my alarm to get up in the middle of the night to pump because my nurse thought I really needed sleep more than I needed to pump.  She was totally right, I was exhausted.  I got a solid 6 hours of sleep on Tuesday night, so I really should have felt like a million bucks when I woke up, but I didn’t.  I felt like a giant pile of dog poo.  Side note:  pumping is finally working, I am now starting to produce colostrum, yipee!

I thought getting up and showering would make me feel better, and it really didn’t, so I should have known that the day would be crappy.  I don’t feel the need to get into everything that happened yesterday, but I will tell those of you who don’t know – I’m not a crier, and I was on the verge of tears or crying pretty much all day.  Yucky.  I think it finally hit me that Max and Wes aren’t the babies I had envisioned coming home with – they are babies that other people are going to take care of for the first couple of months of their life.  Babies that I will leave in a day, or two, and who I will be “visiting” every day, much like an outsider.  It’s just not freaking fair…this is NOT the kind of parent I wanted to be.  And while I’m talking about this, I do want to let our families know (the members who are on “the approved list”) that I’m not comfortable with anyone visiting the boys without either Jeff or I there, so we will be changing the policy to reflect that.  I hope you will all understand.

Jeff and I did get to spend some quality time with the boys yesterday afternoon in what they call “kangaroo care”, which is just a cutesy term for skin-on-skin bonding time with your preemie.  I have to admit that it was awesome, but so damn emotional.  First of all, it takes FOREVER for the nurse to gather up all of the boys’ tubes and wires (I would say they are hooked up to at least 8 or 9 various tubes/wires/monitors, which is heartbreaking to see in itself).  Then the nurse has to give you each baby with the utmost care and caution as to not disturb any of the tubes/wires/monitors because if their heart rate jumps, or their blood pressure drops, they go right back into the isolette.  The nurse places each little boy on our bare chest (yesterday I got Max and Jeff got Wes), and then they cover them up with 3-4 warm blankets.

Yesterday, when I was holding Max, he started choking and it scared the living shit out of me.  His heart rate jumped up, and the NICU nurse came rushing over to my side – he was just choking on a little bit of bile/spit, but I just had visions of them getting out a crash cart when it was happening, and of course there come the tears.   Jeff was holding Wes across from me, and he just looked so helpless and scared, so of course I cried more.  :::sigh:::

After a long morning/afternoon, I took a nice little nap and woke up just in time for our friends to come visit me and see the boys.  Josh (Jeff’s BFF) and Peyton came first, and Biz and Maureen came right as Josh & Peyton were leaving.  Jeff took J & P to the NICU, and I took Biz and Mo (after they got to watch me pump – talk about embarrassing).  Everyone was so surprised at how small and cute Max & Wes were, and although my day absolutely sucked yesterday, it did get better once I saw both of my little ones again.  I should just spend my days in the NICU instead of my hospital room – it does seem like I’m much happier and more at peace when I’m with our boys.

Speaking of being with the boys, I need to shower so I can get to the NICU by 10 so that I can help with their Cares  (they will let me change their diaper and take their temp so I feel more like a mommy).  My camera battery should be all charged up, so I will be sure to take more pictures today.  =)



23 Responses to “My sweet boys/emotional rollercoaster”

  1. Kiane said

    I’m so sorry it was such a rough day. I can’t begin to imagine how hard it is with preemies. You are in my thoughts and please let me know if there is anything I can do.

  2. Lanie & Shane said

    Oh, buddy, I’m sorry that you are going through all this. But, I have to say that I’m really glad that its hitting you now.

    Not as a future mommy who’s also scared to death, but as a professional (with degrees in both psychology and nursing), this process is emotional and involves a lot of grieving for what “should” have been – which must be done. :::Steps off soapbox:::

    It sucks ass, but you’re going to get through this and you are going to be the most amazing mother ever!!!

    Love ya buddy!!!

  3. ischwab said

    I’m sorry sweetie 😦

  4. angelika said

    I am so sorry Kerry. NO ONE knows what you are going through (even people who have been in similar situations or doctors, nurses etc) because I am sure that the emotions are different for everyone. All you can do is take care of yourself and your boys and lean on Jeff and your friends and family as much as possible. And set whatever boundaries that you need too – I would hope those boundaries will let you feel more control of the situation.

    Oh and the boob thing – oy. No words of advice there other than I swear it DOES get lots better after a while. I honestly thought Eric had given me breast implants in my sleep!

  5. Alexis said

    I’m so sorry you’re getting hit with the weight of all this. NICU time is a lot to take in and adjust to. It will feel like the longest journey of your life, I’m sure, but you are strong! Treasure your kangaroo time and bond and know that your house will be filled with lots of noise from two healthy boys soon.

  6. Dana said

    Rock hard rockstar! Tee Hee.

  7. Tarah said

    I just wanted you to know that you’re in my thoughts. I can only imagine how scared you are right now. But know that this is only a short time in their lives.

    They will be home before you know it and you’ll be the wonderful Mommy that you’ve dreamed of being.

    You can only take one day at a time and know that there are friends and family that love you and will help you with whatever you need help with. Don’t be afraid to ask. Times are going to be hard and there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you need help.

    You’re stronger than you know, Kerry. Look where you are! You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t a fighter and those boys are going to fight just like you did to get them here.

    Cry all you want! We’ll listen and know that we care.


  8. Cathy said

    I wish you didn’t have to go through with all of this and could have had a full term pregnancy. Owen’s birth was the biggest roller emotional roller coaster of my life, and I can only imagine how much harder it is with preemies and long NICU stay. I’m so glad they’ve got so many people taking care of all of their needs right now, but I hope you find a way to get in there and give them the Mommy love they need just as much. Hang in there, you guys! The boobs, at least, will get better in a day or two and you’ll be a milk-making machine!

  9. erica said

    I am so sorry. You must be experiencing a million different emotions these days, and they are all okay to feel. You are not in an easy situation. I would be so scared, overjoyed, pissed, grieving, grateful, worried, jealous, exhausted… There are a lot of complex and conflicting emotions that go on. It’s hard, and may take some time to process, but you are one of the toughest ladies I know. Hang in there. And please don’t feel bad for setting boundaries (or crying!). You need to do what is right for you and your new family. No one can take your place as your sons’ mother (and father). I’m thinking of you guys! Hang in there!

  10. Noell said

    Oh Kerry, I wish I could reach out and give you a great big hug right now! You have so much on your plate right now so it’s no wonder you’re feeling the way you are! Keep talking about it, experiencing it and leaning on others for support! I’m sure you don’t feel like it right now, but things will be “normal” one day! And if being with your boys is what makes you feel better do it, you’re their mama!
    (I’m sure Ivory and the other moms with NICU experience will tell you…tell the nurses that you would like to do as much as you can to take care of your little ones…if that’s what you’re comfortable with at this point, that is).

  11. Ondrea said

    I wish I had words to make it all better. But I have (((hugs))) and I have shoulders to lean on and ears to listen. and you already ARE an amazing mom! You have taken the best care of these boys from before they were even conceived and all through your pregnancy and now. You and Jeff are amazing parents and your strong boys are so fortunate. I am sorry this is rough right now and will be rough for a bit more.

  12. Sarah said

    You are not only brave for going through this emotional time (and yes, even though technically you “have” to do all of this, you are STILL brave) you are also pretty courageous for putting all of your thoughts out there. I hope it helps those of us to love and care about you , Jeff, Wes and Max, to support you in the best way possible. Sending huge HUGS (yes…HUGS)!!!

  13. anngoldenberg said


  14. Stacy said

    OMG, OMG, OMG…i am just now catching up after being gone/MIA for THREE weeks! Congrats! Congrats! I haven’t even read a thing yet – I just realized that you have your boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t wait to catch up. And I have to wait till tonight to do it cuz I am at work – UGH!

  15. Molly said

    Biggest, mushiest hugs ever Ker. I have no idea what you’re going through, but everything you’re feeling is so very valid and I’m so sorry you’re having a rough day. I’m NOT glad you’re feeling like shit about all this – but I think it is healthy to let yourself cry it out – whether you’re a crier or not! Plus, don’t forget that your hormones are raging right now.

  16. Steph said

    I’m sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way, not just for the boys but for you and Jeff too. This is such an emotional time and I just hope that you guys know how many people are pulling for you and your new family. It’s OK to cry and to be mad and to do whatever you feel like you need to in order to make it through the day-everyone will understand.
    Lots of hugs coming your way!!!!

  17. Hang in there! Let those pregnancy hormones settle a bit!

  18. Katey said

    I so wish I had the magic words to make you feel better or that there was something I could do to magically allow the boys to go home tomorrow. I am sure that everything you are feeling is completely normal – add that on to the typical emotional roller coaster of having a baby, and I’m sure it is very overwhelming. Lots and lots of big hugs to you and Jeff. I know how strong you are and you and Jeff are already such wonderful parents. Those two little boys are very very lucky to have you two. {{HUGS}}

  19. Cara said

    All hugs aside….this shit blows….not how you imagined it, not how you wanted it and God Damn it now how you deserved it to happen! My only advice to you is try and take care of yourself…eat, sleep when you can and take some long hot showers (might help the boob situation)I always feel a little more human after a shower! Take Care Buddy!

  20. Sock said

    Kerry, be gentle with yourself. No, this isn’t what you envisioned, and that sucks. It might not even help, but remember how close you came to losing both those boys when you had the early labor, and then look now at the sweet little boys you have. Having a baby and all the hormone changes that go with is tough enough, and having premies ain’t easy, either. Be kind to yourself while you’re recuperating, and as you take those beginning steps into motherhood. Children don’t come with a “how to” manual. Take it a step at a time and enjoy the journey. Those boys will be strapping young men before you know it.

    Big hugs to ya!!

  21. militarywifealways said

    I can’t say I know how you feel, I can’t even imagine. Cry if you want, scream do whatever you need. However I know you are a very awesome mom and you have moved heaven and earth to make sure the boys do well. (((Hugs))

  22. lauraandlee said

    I wish I had the right things to say. (((HUGS))). Thinking about you often.

  23. MoDLin said

    I’m so sorry the four of you are on this rollercoaster ride. Make lists of your questions when you’re not with the boys and take the list with you when you go to the NICU. It’s so easy to get swallowed up in the emotions, but with a list you won’t forget to ask about something you want to know.

    Have you seen the “In the NICU” information on the March of Dimes website? You might find it helpful:

    I’m thinking of you.

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