Woe is me (warning – long and incoherent)

February 3, 2009

Thanks to my wonderful friends and family members, I don’t have to feel guilty or embarrassed or bad about writing this post.  I just feel the need to get some things out, so hang tight and the upbeat Kerry will be back in no time…

I read a post this morning on a Multiples message board I belong to, and it just clicked with me.  The title was “I don’t like being pregnant”.  I wished that I had some words of wisdom for the girl who posted, but I just didn’t…because I feel the same way.  Never would I ever have thought that I wouldn’t like being pregnant after spending so much time, energy, and money into actually getting pregnant, but here I am.  Obviously I know how lucky I am, how blessed we are to have two (seemingly healthy) babies on the way, blah, blah, blah – but man, this just plain sucks.  I was sick almost the entire first trimester, and although I could have, I really didn’t complain much (I swear, just ask Jeff).  I still enjoyed being pregnant (when I wasn’t busy gagging or dry-heaving), loved my changing body, and cherished the fact that I was responsible for two little lives.  Then the glorious second tri comes around and things are just kittens and rainbows and pregnancy was finally what I always thought it would be.

Until January 7th.  I go from going in for a routine ultrasound to being admitted to the hospital to having emergency surgery on my cervix within a matter of hours.  I go from thinking that everything is moving along smoothly with my pregnancy to signing papers stating that I’m aware that I may either give birth and/or lose one, or both, of my babies.  And now, I have these thoughts of “why me” and “WTF?!?!?” every single day.

I mean, I did EVERYTHING right.  I ate healthy.  I exercised.  I drank enough water.  I didn’t overdo it – ever – Jeff wouldn’t let me.  I was gaining just enough weight at just the right times, and I was really, really starting to love being pregnant.  Jeff told me every single day that I was beautiful – he would rub my belly and talk to the babies and we would talk about what the future would hold…it was just perfect.  I should have known.  A few weeks before all of this happened, one of my friends and co-workers was asking me when I thought I would go on bed rest, and I told her she was crazy.  I wasn’t going on bed rest, and even if I were, it wouldn’t have been anytime soon – I felt great, I looked great, and everything was going so well.  I just got too cocky, I guess.

Now I’m stuck in bed or on the couch pretty much all day long, and it’s driving me crazy.  Don’t get me wrong, I know I need to do this for our little boys, and I have no problem with that – it’s just that I feel…cheated.  I feel cheated out of the pregnancy that I think I deserved.  Yes, I got to have my baby shower in the hospital, and I’m soooo thankful to my friends and family for that – but you know what?  I don’t remember most of the day because I was all hopped up on Percocet and extremely tired and sore from the surgery I had a few days before.  A day I had waited three long years for, and the only real memories I have are from pictures.  Sucks.

I feel cheated out of enjoying this special time with Jeff.  Making last minute runs to Babies R Us to get “one more thing”, impromptu trips to Dairy Queen because I’m having a “craving”, and going to get togethers with friends where everyone will oooh and aaaah over how big my belly is getting.  Asking Jeff what I should wear for a special night out, and having him answer “something to show off your belly”…that always made me smile and beam with pride (mostly because there wasn’t much in my closet that wouldn’t show off my belly, yet he just loved saying that).  

Now all I have to look forward to are the visits from friends, making my milestones every seven days, and my weekly trip to the doctor (which is seriously the highlight of my week because I get to feel “normal” for a few hours).  I worry a lot about getting too cocky that these boys are going to hang in there until I’m off bed rest in 5 weeks, even though I’m following both of my doctors’ orders to a tee.  I was cocky before, and look where it got me.  I honestly don’t think I’m strong enough to handle having these kids too early…I have several friends who are moms of preemies, and they really struggled.  I have already struggled (to get pregnant), and I just don’t think I have it in me to make it through another roadblock.

Another thing I’m really worried about is having enough energy to take care of these little guys when they’re born.  I mean, I’ve been completely sedentary for almost a month now – to the point where sometimes I get winded doing silly things like putting socks on.  The stupid little exercises I am allowed to do from the couch aren’t doing anything to prepare me for being able to pick up two crying babies, or carry them to the car in their car seats!  I’m afraid I’ll just be too out of shape to be able to do anything for them for a while…is that stupid?

I think I’ll stop for now…I know some of this post probably doesn’t make sense, but I do feel a little better getting some of my feelings out on the table.  I want to thank Ivory, whose blog post today inspired me to be honest with how I’m feeling about all of this.  Big hugs to you today, buddy.

Kerry

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18 Responses to “Woe is me (warning – long and incoherent)”

  1. militarywifealways said

    Kerry, the one thing I know from following your blog is that your a strong woman, some don’t have an once of what you have to make those little guys and do what your doing to take care of them. So hang in there and when your feeling blue you have that right too. Just know that you have friends to hold you up and wipe away the tears whenever you need them

  2. Ann said

    I’m sorry. I wish that we could have talked about this when I was there today. {{Hugs}}

  3. ischwab said

    Being cheated out of pregnancy sucks!! It’s a total normal reaction to *mourn* the loss of the normal pregnancy experience. It’s not fucking fair that you have to deal with this, especially after how hard you guys have worked. I’d like to tell you that it will get easier, but it won’t, it will keep sucking until the bitter end. The good news is that when this is all over you’re going to have 2 adorable little boys to hold in your weak, weak arms 🙂

  4. krazykids said

    I’m so sorry that this pregnancy hasn’t been everything that you hoped after working so hard, so long to get here. Luckily the end of this story will be a happy one, with two healthy boys coming home with you.

  5. taratru said

    I already told you how I feel…you can say and feel whatever you want, and never have to feel bad about it. Love you, buddy! You’re almost there!

  6. Cathy said

    #1- being cocky didn’t land you in bed. Shit just happens. Shit just happens more to you, it seems.
    #2- You totally WERE robbed and have every right to feel that way, especially after waiting so long to enjoy a pregnancy.

  7. Cara said

    Sending hugs or whatever you need your way! And you will have the energy to take care of these babies because adrenaline will compensate for whatever you are lacking. Take care buddy! Wish I was nearby to play some slap jack!

  8. Alexis said

    Bed rest sucks…no going around that. You are in a tough spot! Seriously. But also believe that once you have BOGO here you won’t mind the sacrifices you had to make as their mom to get them here safe and sound. I have to tell you though, I’m winded putting on socks, walking up stairs, etc. It’s these babes taking up more room and demanding lung space! You’ll be perfect fine and sleep deprived, no worries. 😉 I wish the 5 weeks go quickly for you.

  9. Brenda and John said

    I am so sorry, Kerry. I can’t imagine how sucky the past few weeks have been for you. ::hugs::

  10. Lanie & Shane said

    Oh, buddy, I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way. It really sucks. You HAVE been cheated and its total shit. But you will have such a great story to whine to your boys about when they misbehave: “I had emergency surgery and suffered unending torture (go with me on this…) just to make you two, and now you’re going to behave like this???” I think it’ll be a great phrase to save for the teenage years.

  11. Dana said

    You are a rockstar!

  12. Tiffany said

    Hang in there sister, each we is a huge milestone. I will keep you guys in my prayers that those little guys wait to join all of us for just a little bit longer…

  13. heather (shuttlebunny) said

    Bedrest stinks, and I share many of the same sentiments that you’ve expressed in this blog. I hated being hidden away from the world and my only excitement was to go to doctor’s appointments, whoop de doo, right?

    You are probably tired of hearing this, but hang in there. And vent whenever you need to. And don’t EVER feel like you shouldn’t just because you’ve waited so long to have these babies. It’s called being human!

  14. Molly said

    Kerry, you are a champ. Your situation is shit and the boys are going to come strong and healthy and there will be a moment even after they come that you are exasperated (like I was last night) and say to yourself “what did I get myself in to” (like I did last night). And then they’ll coo at you and gurgle and you’ll snoozle down into their baby soft skin and it will all go away. The exasperation, the memories of a pregnancy cheated, all of it. I kept thinking at the end of my pregnancy – at least this won’t last forever. And I keep telling myself that when she’s screaming bloody murder as well. I’m here for you chicken licken. Just as I know you’re here for me too 🙂 xoxo

  15. Beth M said

    Awww, I’m so sorry to know you’ve been feeling this way, but I totally understand and felt the same way at some points with Christian and Lily.
    I love you tons and am here for whatever you need whenever you need it.

  16. lauraandlee said

    Kerry, I’m so sorry 😦 Bedrest really does bite the big one, and it makes so crappy to imagine what a “normal” pregnancy could have been like. You have been so strong, and I really look forward to each and every one of your posts – thank you for sharing your feelings…

    (And I’d love to come visit you with my little Small Fry, if you’re ever wanting one more visitor ;))

  17. Heather said

    I’m so sorry, Kerry. Big hugs to you…hope to get over to see you soon.

  18. Noell said

    Kerry, never feel like you have to apologize for how you’re feeling! I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling like right now and what it will be like with 2 infants at the same time. The only thing I know, even having not met you before, is that you are a very strong woman with a super sweet, supportive and equally strong husband and lots of friends who care very much about you…you will make it through this crappy bedrest time as well as those times that you need an extra hand after those beautiful boys are born. I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug (and take you off of bedrest with the assurance that the rest of your pregnancy will be fine)! Please let me know if you need anything at all…I have been known to make impromptu Guinness & malt runs (ask Stacie about that one!).

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