Flashback of a bitter infertile

November 13, 2008

Today was not a good day.  I’m sure you probably got that from the previous post.  Today I felt like I felt a year ago, two years ago, hell – three years ago when we were trying/struggling to get pregnant.  Helpless.  Freaked out.  Sad.  Angry.  Jealous.  All of the above. 

I know there are a few of you infertiles out there who are probably thinking, “Jesus Kerry, just shut the hell up already.  You’re pregnant, you got what you asked for, what could you possibly have to complain about?”  I know that a few of you are thinking that, because four months ago I would have thought that way if I were reading this, so don’t feel bad about it…just stop reading right now, because I will not apologize for having these feelings.

I feel like I always talk about how much money these babies cost us, and that’s probably because I do.  Most of the time, I’m proud of what Jeff and I went through to get where we are today, but today I’m just pissed off.  Please don’t get me wrong – these babies are very wanted, very loved (already), and very special to me, but I can’t help but think of the droves of people who didn’t have to go through what Jeff and I went through to get pregnant, and I’m just angry.  Angry that they didn’t have to spend their entire life savings to fulfill their dreams of being parents.  Angry that we were dealt the infertile card, and are now faced with the fact that one or both of us could potentially lose our job at a moment’s notice, and we have no “emergency fund” to get us through until we can find another one.  Just another case of “life isn’t fair” (guess how many times we heard that while trying to conceive), right?

Jeff keeps telling me that everything will be okay.  And as much as I love him for his nonstop positivity, I also wouldn’t mind smacking him upside the head for that comment.  I just want to ask him, “will everything be okay…do you know that for certain?”  It’s just like those annoying-ass people who used to tell me that we would be parents someday.  When those words came spilling out of their mouths, they never kneewwww that our first IVF would work.  They didn’t knoowwwww that we will be parents – to TWINS no less – come next spring.  It was just diarrhea of the mouth because they couldn’t come up with anything better or more appropriate to say, and I think that’s what’s happening with my husband right now, too.  God help him for my crappy attitude right now.

I could use a little more positivity right now, but I’m going to blame my lack of positivity on infertility.  I think infertility zapped my ability to look at the glass as half full, to look at things through rose-colored glasses, to see the brighter side of life.  You would think that finally getting pregnant would change things, and most of the time I do see things in a more positive light, but just not today.  It’s just like when we were trying to get pregnant – like the day my period would show up, or the day I found out that a Clomid or IUI cycle failed.  When that would happen, I would grieve – usually for an entire day – but the next day, I would bounce back.  Today I’m just having flashbacks of what it was like before we got so damn lucky.  So sue me.  Positive Kerry will be back tomorrow, I promise.

Kerry

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16 Responses to “Flashback of a bitter infertile”

  1. Noell said

    Oh Kerry, lots of (((HUGS)) to you hon! You know what? You are allowed to feel this way so don’t apologize! While I can’t totally identify with you I know it’s really frightening financially having kids. My DH has often been the positive one in our relationship (God love him for this) but when I’m feeling so pessimistic (which I often am) I could just slap him! Take some deep breaths…and don’t hit Jeff, lol! Just know that I’m thinking of you during this hard time!

  2. ischwab said

    you don’t need to feel like you need to be positive and happy all the time. Yes, you are PG and it’s an awesome thing, but life can still suck and the cards that you’ve been dealt are sucking right now 😦 I hope that everything turns out okay with both of your jobs.

  3. Katey said

    HUGE HUGE {{HUGS}}. It’s okay to not be positive all the time – we all have crappy days and that’s okay. I hope everything turns out okay for you guys.

  4. Sock said

    Kerry, some days will be like that. I don’t know how positive people manage to stay up all the time, but it seems most of us don’t have that kind of energy. There will be ebbs and flows, especially when you’re already worn out emotionally. When the emotional bank is low, there’s not much for coping with anything else.

    This is not diarrhea of the mouth – it WILL get better. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but you will get through this, one day at a time. It won’t always be happy or cheery or upbeat, and that’s how it goes. Just focus on getting through. Things will work out as they’re supposed to. Big hugs to you, Jeff, and BoGo.

  5. Lanie said

    Oh buddy! You know what? I’m going to be positive for you. I needed every body else to be positive on my behalf during this crazy IF stuff, so now I’ll be positive for YOU!!!

    Feel free to drown yourself in despair today – I’ll just send gobbs and gobbs of postive energy your way. Because I can, damn it!!!

  6. heather (shuttlebunny) said

    Big hugs to you, Kerry!

  7. Megan S said

    I hope and pray and pray some more that everything is fine with your jobs. And I’m with Lanie – I am going to be postive for you! You cannot control others actions, just your reactions.

  8. Chrissy said

    I am so sorry. You have every right to be pissed off and angry, and no one should expect you to be Little Miss Sunshine all the time. You and Jeff are in my thoughts and I am sending all the positive juju I have your way. ((hugs))

  9. Brenda said

    Big hugs coming your way! I hope that today is better than yesterday.

  10. Molly said

    I’m not going to tell you that you these aren’t scary times for you and Jeff. But what I will tell you is that not one person that reads this blog, not your friends, not your family or Jeff’s family – will allow the four of you to land on your butts in the street begging for money. You will be provided for – one way or the other.
    That’s not me being “glass half full” that’s me being realistic.
    Sorry things are unsure and unsettled. You ahve every right to be scared. You won’t go homeless though.

  11. Tara said

    Well. It WILL get better…I’m emailing you. 🙂

  12. Marci said

    Sending lots of hugs your way!

  13. BrendaG said

    Hi there- Your first paragraph really hit home for me today. I went to bed crying and woke up wanting to cry, which I did, all the way to work. Infertility is hard and it’s hard to stay positive all the time. It’s not fair that we have/had the issues that we have and others don’t. It’s not fair a lot of times. But in the BIG scheme of things, our different situations make us stronger people and ones that can endure many things. Hugs to you and many more to come I’m sure.

  14. Deanne said

    K&J,
    I don’t know why it is that when you have been tested in the way you have already with IF, you are now having to go through this too. But as a person of FAITH (not particularly Religion)I do know that God will NOT put before you what you can not handle. You have each other and you have overcome so very much, yes, at a huge financial burden, but remember that you managed that and who knows…Maybe that was your lesson in how to work together and now you are faced with another challenge to work through
    ~together. You can do it, you will figure it out and it will be OK. It’s also ok for you to be down while you figure it out, but one of you has to hold you both up. Optimism is how some of us deal with the shit of life that is slung our way. I’m praying for you all! (((hugs)))

  15. Lisa said

    Kerry, I have followed your blog since you first talked about this openly. I think that you need to rage about it occasionally and that it is okay to be angry about the hand you were dealt. This has been a hugely emotional roller coaster and you shouldn’t have to be happy about it all the time. It will work itself out and you will have two beautiful babies to show for all of the down parts as well as the up. It doesn’t make it easier but these children will never doubt how much you love them.

  16. Tarah said

    Kerry,

    IF makes us people that we don’t want to be. It takes us down paths that we know we wouldn’t have chosen ourselves. Therefore the feelings you’re feeling are totally normal.

    You cry, scream and yell about it all you want. Because I know the road you’ve traveled and I know how much it can suck. But, you have over come the odds and even though you have over come the odds of infertility it doesn’t mean that it will not haunt you any longer. I truly think that IF does something to us that we will never understand, but just know that you are entitled to your feelings.

    Will things work out? That I can’t answer for you. But just know that you and Jeff and your sweet little babies are always in my thoughts and close to my heart.


    Tarah

    P.S. Faith and Pearl are watching over you too.

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