Being unrealistic

We received a comment on the blog today that prompted this post – “being unrealistic”.  I don’t want any of our readers out there thinking that Jeff and I aren’t totally over-the-moon crazy happy about being pregnant with twins, because that is about the furthest thing from reality.  It’s just 100% impossible to be over-the-moon crazy happy about it all.the.time.  I’m sorry to disappoint, but it’s true.

Think about those people who are professional clowns.  They entertain at children’s birthday parties, they go to retirement homes, and their job in life is making people smile and laugh.  Do you honestly think that they live every single day of their life in their clown roles, being over-the-top happy and jolly 365 days a year?  Probably not.  Now think about psychotherapists.  They spend their days helping others deal with their problems, no matter how big, or how small.  Do you think they live every day of their life having no issues themselves?  Yeah, same answer.

I feel the same way with being pregnant.  Do I feel lucky every single day that this IVF worked and we are being blessed with not only one, but two children?  You bet I do!  Do I feel despair or sadness some days when I have to use all of my concentration not to throw up or feel sorry for myself that I’m feeling so crummy?  Yep.  Like I said above, it’s 100% impossible to feel cheery and ecstatic every single minute of every single day.  And trust me when I tell you that feeling anything other than cheery and ecstatic can send an infertile person into a tailspin of emotions.

I used to get so pissed at friends and acquaintances who would complain about their pregnancies or kids, thinking to myself “just be thankful you aren’t in my shoes, you ungrateful bitch” .  Looking back, I know I said that out of jealousy and anger at Jeff and I’s situation, and that’s not fair.  One cannot expect others’ lives to be perfect and stress-free just because certain things seem to come easier for them than for oneself.  Again, unrealistic.  I think infertiles expect that when they finally get pregnant, everything will be as it should.  Rainbows and sunshine will exude out of us, and we will be the most radiant, beautiful, un-stressed we have ever been.  I wish!

I know that I have two little reasons to be thankful, but being pregnant so far has been hard.  Really hard.  It’s been a thousand percent worth it, but it certainly hasn’t been easy (and it has only been 8 weeks).  I have never been so tired and sick in my entire life.  I never thought I would waste an entire Saturday morning and afternoon sleeping because I felt too crappy to do anything else.  I never thought I would cry the whole time I was showering because I was so nauseous I could barely stand up on my own.  And I certainly never thought that I would lie awake at night worrying about how my lack of appetite could be detrimental to me or the babies’ lives.

That said, Jeff and I say something almost every single day about how incredibly lucky we are that this worked.  We know that.  We also know that we (have and) are going to hit speed bumps along this journey, and there’s really nothing we can do to avoid that.  I know for certain that both of us are going to be the best parents we can be to these two little ones in my tummy, and that we are a stronger couple for having gone through all we have to get to this point.  Just please, please, please don’t expect us to be sunshine and roses all the time, because that just isn’t going to happen.  If that disappoints you to the point that you don’t feel like you can read our blog anymore, I totally understand, and wish you all the best.