4 down, 12 to go

July 8, 2008

Just took BCP #4.  This has been a rough night.  I’ve been having massive anxiety the last couple of days because of all of this happening so fast.  I started having second thoughts today.  Not second thoughts about actually doing IVF, but second thoughts about doing it next month.  I’ve turned into the person my husband can’t stand – the pessimistic Kerry I turn into when thinking about something so important.  The one who doesn’t think about the fantastic success rates of our RE office (or the 70-80% chance Dr. Swanson gave us), but of the percentage of women who don’t get pregnant with their first round of IVF.

This is it.  We have one chance for success.  One.  Not one and a half, not two.  ONE.  That scares the shit out of me.  I mean, what if it doesn’t work?  Is Jeff still going to love me if we can’t have children?  Is our marriage going to survive?  Will I be able to be okay with the way our life will have to be?

I know what some of you are thinking right now – “if this doesn’t work out, you can always adopt.

No we can’t.  We have enough money for one, or the other, not both – and we have chosen to try to have a biological child with in-vitro.  So if this doesn’t work, we’re done.  Physically, emotionally, and most of all, financially – done.

Jeff and I had a long talk tonight (complete with tears) about all of these feelings I’m having, and he has made me feel a little bit better.  Another thing that has made me feel a lot better is reading all of the thoughtful, caring responses I got from the message board I frequent the most.  I had posted about how I was scared to take the plunge to IVF; scared that my marriage may suffer, scared that it won’t work, etc.  Here are just a few responses that I got from my friends:

First, a funny one:

You know what IVF reminds me of sometimes?  Shredders.  You just want a shredder, so you go out and buy the cheapo one from Target. (Clomid).  It breaks after 2 sheets, so you buy the mid-range one (IUI), and it gives you lots of hope too, but then it busts too.  Finally you go whole hog on the top of the line model (IVF) and shred until your heart’s content.”    – C

Then some serious responses:

All I can offer is that having a baby is a huge decision.  It’s one that you’ve thought about and contemplated and yearned for years. and I think that it’s normal to be anxious about it and to wonder if after all of this if it’s still what you want to do.  You’ve been on autopilot going from one step to the next and I know you and Jeff have put all of yourselves into these decisions.  Trust your heart and trust in Jeff and know that you are not just “going along with the flow and process” but that you have made a conscious and rational decision to take this step to have a baby. ”    – O

I don’t think anyone on this board or anyone who knows you IRL (in real life) would ever worry about if your marriage can take the IVF results, good or bad.  You guys are fixtures, and that’s that.”    – R 

Someone posted the other day about have you ever thought about what if you did things differently…The regrets I have in life are from when I let my fear make my decisions for me.  Sometimes I was so scared…scared that I would fail, scared that I would succeed…just so scared that I sabotaged myself by inaction.  There are things I will wonder about forever, that I will regret forever, simply because I was afraid to succeed.  I am not to the stage where you are with infertility, and at my age, I don’t think it would ever be an option.  I wait and wait and wait and then the choice is made for me…don’t let that happen to you.   And with everything you and Jeff have been through, I don’t think you need to worry about your marriage…”   -P

And one from one of my friends who has gone through IVF (and succeeded – they are 13 weeks pregnant):

I went through the exact same thing.  I was scared to death, because, looking back, I realize that I was thinking if it didn’t work, I would have to face the end of my journey.  I’d no longer have that last BIG shot in front of me. 

I mean I panicked.  I didn’t even want to make the call to get my drugs. It was awful.

But once I started, got on my Lupron, and just gave up and gave in, it got 100 times easier.  It really did. 

You CAN do this Kerry.  It is your time.  It is your shot, and the odds are WAY in your favor.  Don’t over think it, put the tracking in Jeff’s capable hands…”    – C

Wow.  I’m so lucky.  Jeff and I are so lucky to have these women who care so much about us (some of whom we’ve never even met).  We are so lucky to have such an amazing group friends and family who only want the best for us.  I know we can do this, I’m just scared.  I think admitting that I’m scared is the first step…

So anyway, cold uterus, errrr, cold feet aside – 4 down, 12 to go.



2 Responses to “4 down, 12 to go”

  1. ppfbunny said

    You said from above…
    I know what some of you are thinking right now – “if this doesn’t work out, you can always adopt.“

    Instead, think… I always love Jeff. That’s what is really important. Come what may. You and Jeff are the core, the foundation, without that nothing else matters.

  2. Lanie said

    I’m so happy that you are doing better today. Keep your chin up, girl!

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