June 25, 2008

What is infertility?
Infertility is a disease of the reproductive system that impairs one of the body’s most basic functions:  the conception of children (definition on asrm.org).  Usually when a couple tries naturally to have a child for a year to no avail (or if she is 35 or older, 6 months), she is considered infertile.
Is it Jeff’s fault, or Kerry’s?
Infertiles get this question ALL THE TIME, and it is so rude.  Why we are talking openly and honestly about this, we’ll answer that question.  Jeff has a little issue with his sperm’s morphology (meaning the shape and maturity of the sperm), and Kerry has a blood clotting disorder that may or may not be making it more difficult to get and stay pregnant (there isn’t a lot of research on this yet).  So I guess you could say that it’s a shared issue, which we actually prefer.

Why don’t you just relax, and let it happen naturally?

If only it were that easy.  Guess what?  We tried that, the first year.  It didn’t work.  Unfortunately, because infertility is a medical condition, no amount of relaxing is going to just make it disappear.  This is one of the most hurtful, insensitive things to say to a couple who is struggling with getting pregnant, but a lot of people don’t realize that.  It’s okay though, we’re here to teach you!

Okay, what are more “hurtful, insensitive” things that people have said to you?

Where to begin…

If you just take a vacation, maybe it will happen…(yeah, if only we could afford a vacation)”, “it will happen in time…(uh…yeah…when?)”, “it will happen when God says it’s time…(so does that mean that God thinks it is time for all of those teens and crackheads to get pregnant then?)“, “I have a sister/friend/cousin/girlfriend who just stopped trying and – BOOM – she got pregnant! (that’s fantastic, good for her!)“, “I have a sister/friend/cousin/girlfriend who started the adoption process and – BOOM – got pregnant! (adoption isn’t for everyone)“, “if you didn’t think about it so much, maybe it would happen…(it’s a little hard not to think about it all the time, but if you have any suggestions on how to do so, we’re open to hearing them)”.  We could go on and on, but I don’t think you all need that.  Just know that the best thing to say to someone who is struggling with infertility is, “I’m so sorry for what you are going through.”

Isn’t this a financial burden on you?

Yes.  A big one.  We won’t bore you with figures, but Kerry could have her student loans paid off, and be driving a much nicer car for the amount of money we have spent on infertility treatments.  Depressing?  Oh yeah.  But we had to try what we had so desperately believed would work.  The only regret that we really have is not moving forward with in-vitro a little sooner.  Thankfully, Kerry’s new job does have some infertility coverage (only $5K, but that’s better than the $0K that our old insurance offered us), so this is definitely the right time.  Thankfully, Kerry’s parents offered us a ring that has a very sizable diamond in it to try to sell to pay for our IVF.  It’s very depressing to think about having to sell the diamond from a family heirloom to finance the possibility of getting pregnant and having a baby, but if it works, it will all be worth it.

If we think of anymore questions you may want answered, we will certainly blog about them – and if there is a question you have always been afraid to ask us, now is the time!  We are an open book, ask away!



16 Responses to “F.A.Q.’s”

  1. Eric said

    I’m very excited that you have started this blog and will be following with great anticipation for you two.

    My best friend and sister are experiencing the same thing with my sister getting her good news recently, however like you say neither of them really opened up, at least not to me, so even though I know what they are going through I wasn’t sure what to say or how to ask.

    I applaud you for your courage in sharing this experience with your closest friends and family. Thank you for including me.

  2. Molly said

    Just remember what an awesome heirloom your baby will make 😉

  3. Angelika said

    You know I am sending you all my very best juju. Good luck! I love your blog. I know a lot of people are following along and rooting for yoU!

  4. liz said

    you know i am in your corner, cheering you on. i’ll even bust out my pompoms if you think it might help.

  5. Molly said

    I admire the courage it takes for both of you to share this difficult experience with the world. I can only hope all the idiots out there that say all the wrong things are reading this blog!
    As always, we’re thinking about you and will be rooting you on during this next journey.

  6. Dana said

    Good for you on educating others! I know I needed it and am so glad to know you! This IS going to work!

  7. Heather said

    Thank you for sharing your story, Kerry. I teared up reading it and wish you and Jeff the BEST. Hope to see you soon!

  8. Kerry, you rock. I’m sorry that I have to learn about IVF from you (& others on our boards), but I think you and Jeff are so brave and honest and will make AWESOME parents when it happens!

  9. Jes said

    This blog is such a good thing. So many people (including myself) have little to no knowledge regarding infertility issues or treatments. I’ll be glad to keep my big foot out of my mouth in the future.

    I really wish you guys the best and hope this turns into a story for the baby book.

  10. The best one that I have heard is if I go on crack I will get pregnant. I’m hoping that she was kidding.

  11. Roxy said

    I know that your time has come, and in a year’s time we’ll be sitting around with our babies (IVF siblings) poorer but happier.

  12. Nicole said

    I am looking forward to reading your perspective and wish you the best of luck with the baby making! You two will make fantastic parents! NicB from the Nest

  13. Katie said

    You know I wish you and Jeff nothing but the best!

  14. Shannon(Shannie79) said

    Thanks for sharing Kerry, it’s really great that you are so open about your infertility.

  15. Beth said

    I think it’s great that you guys are sharing your journey – It helps others going through the same crap feel they aren’t alone – and it can als be therapuetic for you to be able to vent with an audience! wishing you a happy ending 🙂

  16. Maureen said

    Hey buddy! Thanks for forwarding this to me! I’m glad you and Jeff are so very strong for one another, I love you both and I’m glad to be included in your lives. I send good vibes out to the universe for you both all the time!

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